Time flies on wings of lightening!

It has been two months since I have written and oh have we all been busy. Busy with school, busy with work and busy with the business of life. It is interesting to have three college students in the house, with three very different styles of learning. One or the other is not wrong, but very different. We keep hoping that the efforts we put into our school work will merit us something good in the end. We are now on the downhill slope of the semester, with many things due and a lot of work yet to be done....it is a bit scary, gut-wrenching to be exactly honest. Best of luck to us all. We miss our great advisor and editor so much!

We have also all had work challenges, difficult days with lots of chaos, but somehow we make it through and make it back home at night to find the things here that need attention. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, running the dog....doing the bills...it all adds up to a long day at times. But, we are glad to be busy...we might catch an episode of "Bones" from time to time...our new past time. We haven't had the time to spend on "American Idol" this year...again our musician expert is listening to something much better.

Often I think about what and who we are missing and try to fill in the spaces with other things, but the fact remains that we are all a bit lost at sea. Our rudder has taken a leave of absence. Now we need to pull together and not only remain strong, but grow by overcoming obstacles that lay in our path almost daily. We all handle these feelings and missings differently and our peaks and valleys come at different times, but we hope that we can come out with something good in the end. Now I am in that stage of feeling that it is unbelievable that I am here, doing what I am doing by myself...my true other half gone for a time. I heard someone say that they were a little awestruck with the concept of eternity, and almost a little frightened about what that must be like. That comes from our earthly eyes and intellect. We can't see eternity, but there are ways that we can feel it. I am clearly hoping that I can live in such a way to improve myself consistently, fitting a little glimpse of eternity all in my days. By so doing, we can come out with something good in the end....Because, in the end, we cannot call life back!

A New Year

What happened to December? The last of the year is gone, Christmas came and went, a visit w/Rick's family in Pittsburgh has come and gone, a new semester has started for everyone in this house and life is busy.

With everyone's warning we approached the Holidays with a little trepidation; wondering how we would fare without our Dad. My new realization for this month was understanding more fully how quietly he went about supporting me and helping me to get to all the things I needed to and helping out with the small stuff....I didn't sweat the small stuff because of Rick's care and keeping of his wife. Now, just having to remember to do all the small stuff is enough to make me a little nuts with trying to keep all the balls in the air, and air in my balloon.

We tried to do most of our traditions during the holidays, although somewhat altered...our Chinese dinner ended up on New Year's Eve in Pittsburgh after I tried to burn up Rick's kitchen when a pyrex pan exploded and started a "butter fire" Ask Rick which direction you point a fire extinguisher and then ask me about pyrex on the top of the stove....a comedy of errors.

So we started our new year traveling home...and again, we appreciated home, the wide expanse of our valley, the majesty of our mountains and our secure home. Blessings we often take for granted as we see and experience them all every day.

Sometime early in the Fall, I attended a conference where participants were encouraged to write 5 Life's Goals...not exactly a "bucket list" but attributes we always want to have. I started to write those things a few months ago...but didn't finish. It is now my goal to make sure that I get them recorded, although I believe that one of them will be to ALWAYS look for the blessings sent to me through the people who pass through my life and then to be a blessing to someone else as I pass through theirs.

So as I start another year of "firsts"....I continue to be grateful for the love offered to me and to my family in so many ways and I am committed to help make a difference for others this year and to improve myself by determining what my 5 Life's Goals should certainly be...what are yours?

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving....here and gone so quickly, but I find that there are still many things to be thankful and even better, grateful for.

In the last few weeks we have had Rick(y)'s, Katie's and Cam's birthdays, remembered Rick's birthday, remembered my parent's birthdays, remembered the passing of my Mom and Rick's Dad and had Thanksgiving. All of which keeps us focused on family and the gratitude we all have for each other.

We are missing a major part of our family this year with Rick's passing...oh how we all miss him. I am glad that we feel at ease enough in our home and association with family to be open with all the things we remember and associate him with in our every day activities. It keeps him close to us and appreciating all of his great characteristics. Sometimes it makes me feel pretty small in comparison and hoping that I can in some small way and some day, measure up.

We are grateful for those who spent their lives leading, guiding and supporting us through all of our life's experiences. Our parents. What an indelible impression they have left on us. Our children revere their grandparents as great and have a deep abiding love for each of them that they knew and are looking forward to a day when they meet those we speak of that went on before.

We are grateful for the abilities we have to provide for ourselves and to find enjoyment in the things we do. I am grateful for children who are goal-oriented, who want to serve and to make a difference in the world.

I am grateful for children who love me, through my imperfections and are patient with my learning, as I move into a different phase of my life. I am grateful for grandchildren who love me no matter what and are sensitive to the need for "I love you's" and give them freely.

I am grateful for friends, co-workers and family who sincerely care and on whom I could call if there is a need to do so.

I am eternally grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, for His atonement, which I have learned first hand, is for us all. I heard someone talking of a book regarding the every day application of the atonement and how it had made them see that the atonement is more than a pathway to repentance.....I thought to myself that I was happy that they had found that knowledge, but I bore testimony to myself that I had felt it, and although it was a difficult set of experiences that brought me to that point, that feeling of a loving brother...caring enough about all of us, to atone for us, to experience all in our behalf..is a gift beyond words on a page. Gratitude seems not enough to in any way repay that gift.

It is fitting that Thanksgiving precedes the celebration of the birth of our Savior..it is a time to reflect upon those things that are most important. Our gratitude is strong as a family for this influence in our lives. As we reflect on our blessings, we hope to keep remembering and have a spirit about us of Thanksgiving...and GRATITUDE.

Gifts of Joy

It has been a most beautiful fall season. There have been some surprises that are not often seen. I have been entertained by nature, which in turn has made me more aware and appreciative of the gifts of God.

One evening about a month ago, I was leaving work after a rainy day. It had been a little dark and a lot wet all day. As I was walking to my car, I looked to the east at the mountains and saw a most brilliant rainbow, then as I watched it, it became even more bright and clear and then a second rainbow arched above the first. It's span was the "Y" mountain and it seemed to begin and end in the foothills of that mountain range that frames our valley, our home.

Several evenings as I have rounded the top of the hill to enter Grand Avenue and as I look to the west over the edge of the hill to catch a view of the lake with the evening sun resting on it....there have been some incredible sunsets. Just Friday, the sky had been dark off and on all day. The sky had opened exposing some sun and patches of blue sky and some increased warmth. As I made that same turn at the top of the hill...I looked out to a heavy dark cloud that weighed heavy across the entire western horizon...leaving enough sky to see orange light reflecting off the lake and about a quarter of the way up in the picture of my sky. Very different with great contrast.

Making that same turn as I go down the hill, I can look out over Provo and see the colors of the changing foliage, golden mostly, contrasted with green and a little red. Always a few sunflowers along the side of the road trying valiantly to survive early frosts to dance again for one more day. I always hope for an extension of Fall...it is a balm to my soul. Katie asked me the other day if I had noticed an increase in these beautiful "gifts"...and I have. I think she was asking if Dad was "painting us a rainbow..." I hope so, because...I like to think that he knows what we need and can deliver a little joy in the journey....helping us to learn to dance again.

Switching scenes, another view I had this weekend was that of a Grandfather, sitting in his lawn chair, right in the middle of the lawn, with a patch of sun warming he and his 3-4 year old grandson who was running and playing in the yard. I saw the sun glint off the silver of the grandfather's hair to catch my attention to the moment when the child, pausing from his running and playing to stop at the side of his Grandfather and give him a huge hug! So much expressed in such a few seconds. Another gift that was bittersweet as I thought of Jakie hugging his beloved Grandpa and the wonderful bond that existed there. I hope Ricky and the other grandchildren to follow can understand how very much they are loved by this same Grandpa that Jakie loved so fiercely. I hope those to come will have been loved before and sent on their way knowing that feeling.....and remember.

So for me, I have learned that there are gifts such as these to add richness to our lives and joy to our journey, ....if we are watching...
Sometimes, if we are too busy or have too many worries that cloud our view...we'll miss them and then they may be lost to us. I am trying to adjust my view to include recognition of these and other gifts of the spirit, they are priceless and the giver is one who cares to assure us with experiences that allow that joy to be had as we travel along the course of our day to day lives.

Flu Season....

It is interesting how one views the world when thinking about the flu pandemic. Hand hygiene becomes more and more important...family wellness is a top priority. Jake and Sarah and Rick have all been sick...I worry, they are in the high risk age group for H1N1 flu...so I at least tell them they should have shots and be careful around illness.

Then Rick called yesterday and the usual lusty voice of little Ricky was raspy and hoarse...and a bit wheezy. It made me worry all night and day...he has croup, but still I worry that he does not have an underlying flu or any other deep respiratory illness. I feel pretty helpless trying to give asked for advice from clear across the country. They are out of my reach and my ability to help.

So I try to focus on the things I can control, but still there are many things that I can't....above and beyond the flu. The precariousness of humans vs flu reminds me we are vulnerable to many things in this world, many of which are not in our control...so I'll wash my hands, try not to touch my face, cough into my sleeve; try to keep all the surfaces clean temporally and spiritually and hopefully keep myself and my family away from the temporal and spiritual pandemic.

Our prayers go out to all our friends and family...stay well everyone and get better little Ricky!

Replaying the pictures in my mind....

Over many days that have turned into weeks, I keep playing pictures of Rick over and over in my mind. Days where there has been much sunshine and happiness and some where were have experienced emotional storms keep playing and replaying in my mind as if to change something that will help me understand the emotions that churn inside me and in our family.

Some that seem to stick:

When Rick and Jakie said good-bye to their Dad and wonderful Grandpa several weeks before we too said goodbye.

Rick's visits with his friends and neighbors over the last few weeks of his life, giving an experience not to be forgotten.

Family gatherings where the brothers talk for hours

Brothers and sisters at his bedside

Visiting with the young men who came as priesthood holders to bless the sacrament for him, he still taught them with his love and gratitude for them, as he had done in previous years.

The helplessness on all of our faces as we faced the reality of our place, as Rick progressed.

His strength in passing along his message to ward members on Easter Sunday...the atonement being a major theme, as it always found its way to his lessons, his gentle testimony shining through.

Jakie's innocent acceptance that Grandpa is now living with Heavenly Father...but he slips from time to time and wants to talk to Grandpa on the phone....I am sure Grandpa would love to talk to him.

The look on Rick's face when he heard the voices of Jake, Rick and Sarah for the last time...softening with his love for them.

Sitting in the recliner with Jake reading Orange Monster or If I Obey....

Playing Cub Scouts with Jakie

Pensiveness as he realized that time was getting short.

Final Priesthood blessings

And, although I was not there, in my mind's eye I see him standing in the Kirtland temple singing "The Spirit of God Like a Fire is Burning..."

Or enjoying peaceful music as he looked toward heaven, maybe there was more to see and hear for him.

Or telling me, from his vantage point, that my face looked pretty today...

Teasing one of the little great nephews/nieces or checking in with their mom or dad..caring and loving.

And the list goes on and on and on....may the memory always be sweet and clear and comforting.

The last three weeks have been a blur in many ways. As we experienced the passing of our Husband, Father and Friend, we were unprepared for the total emotion of it all. We have determined that no matter how much we think we are prepared, it becomes new and unplowed ground when those moments arrive.

The day of Rick's passing was quiet in many ways. It began with visits from his mother and siblings who were on their way to a family reunion, offering hugs and tender words of love, knowing it may be the last time they would speak to him during this mortal existence. A close cousin dropped by on his way as well, Rick wa.s able to say "questionnaire"...wondering what the content of that was for the reunion...he knew of the spirited discussion that these questions always brought. Ron left a copy that we later read.

The day then became more quiet, Cam and I spent time with Rick that morning. Rick was a little restless and really wanted to stand up, I thought that maybe he was so tired of the bed that he wanted some relief from laying down. Now, I look back and wonder if he wanted to stand in reverence to those who would greet him as he passed to the other side of the veil.

When I came down that morning, although he was having difficulty putting sentences together, he told me, "Your face is pretty today." Probably the last compliment I'l have of that nature from my best cheerleader.

We read, we listened to beautiful music and he was quiet and contemplative. He seemed to be between here and there, sliding back and forth on the notes of the music he loved. I talked, he listened.

His physical body was giving up, when it became clear, I'll not forget the despair in Cam's face, utter helplessness. Then, as we called Katie home from work, again despair, saddness, pure anguish. As we called Rick and Sarah and Jakie, there was recognition, and peace in Rick's countenance, and pure love as he turned to Jakie's voice for the last time.

Tender mercies abound in our lives. Boyd arrived at the exact time when we would need his broad shoulders to help support us. Our Bishop was near and able to respond to us quickly. We had just what we needed when we needed it. Rick was calm and seemed to be out of pain...a relief to all of us...those final moments of passing were seemingly smooth. Although we were very sad, there was comfort in knowing where he was and who he was with to love and support him and that he was out of pain and discomfort that had been a part of his mortal life for months and in reality, years.

How grateful we are as a family to know that there is a place that continues beyond this life, a place of love, peace and reward for a faithful life, well-lived. If not for that sure knowledge, we would not have been able to endure the pain of loss. With the Lord's help and His mercies, we will.