Saturday, May 30, 2009

As time goes...

It has been a month since my last posting, not because we have experienced less or or that we have disinterest, but just trying to keep from drowning in reality. Yes, sometimes reality is something I'd like to take a vacation from, but in doing so would lose precious time. So day to day, we are all trying hard to keep on going, putting one foot in front of the other and keeping control of this emotionally charged situation we are living.

It has been a month since we officially stopped chemotherapy...realizing that it was causing physical debilitation and yes danger to Rick's life. The Oncologist felt that even one more treatment would be more than Rick"s body could handle. So, we made the decision to cease and desist in barraging his body with the caustic drugs.

Then the decisions to come...I don't think we realized the emotional hit we were going to take. Although some may think differently, I am a nurse, I help to "fix." It is foreign to my focus to let go of curing and move into palliative care (symptom management). That coupled with fear and loss makes for a time when emotion runs amuk and although we want to be our best selves at this time, I am often frustrated and impatient...but mostly sad....which tends to come out as frustration and impatience...and yes anger at the whole situation. (All normal emotions according to great intellectual experts)

Then as the clouds break and the sun comes peeking through...We are surrounded by people who care for us all and would do about anything to help. I am at a loss to be able to tell them how to help, but knowing they are there and they love us all is comforting. They all help by their offers of support and prayers the very most. It is easy to feel alone in all this, but just stepping outside the door, or to the computer or answering phone calls, helps me to know that the Lord is merciful in sending people to our side quickly to bail us out of near rock-bottom...just in time. Then He who can support us in ways not always realized by us mere mortals, is a prayer away and the Comforter not far behind.

Although the comfort is strong, I also experience anguish as time goes. As I watch my children work hard to help and support in any way possible...I sit at their feet learning from the compassion they show without reservation, without analysis...just love. But I feel helpless when I see their tears spill over and the emotion of everything become just too much for a minute in time. I anguish for the future, when we will not have the support of an understanding leader of our family. I anguish for the loss of a relationship that has always supported me no matter what. I anguish for the grandchildren to come who will not know their loving grandfather. I now understand my own mother's talking often about her loving husband lost to her and us many years before our marriages and grandchildren...her need for us to know our Dad and Grandfather although he had moved on to the other side of the veil. But most of all I anguish in the here and now as Rick suffers, how I wish that somehow, I could take that trial away. It seems that it isn't a part of the plan. That is another thing I am learning...we have to take the test and live the plan.

As time goes by, I hope that we will continue to pull together as a family and rally round our love, our leader and support him. Because although we are experiencing the hardest challenge we have ever had as a family, it is important that we count our minutes and hours and days as a time that is not lost, includes no regrets and is sweet with the spirit... through it all.

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