Spring....

Spring....

We so enjoyed the few days of Spring that we had this week. But, alas as Spring comes so does the rain...in more ways than just getting wet. The rain does wash things clean just as some of our difficulties are trying to put us through the refiners fire and make us a little cleaner before our Father....

Sometimes I pass that test, and sometimes I fail miserably. Patience is something that has not come easily for me throughout life and certainly that trait has not changed now. Maybe it is the thing I need to learn along with a great deal of endurance and putting my trust in He that knows all good things.

I just read a little about the hymn, Be Still My Soul....it was a favorite hymn of Eric Liddlle, runner who did not run on the sabbath during an Olympic race...we know of him through "Chariots of Fire" The end of his story is interesting. He becomes a missionary and eventually is imprisoned during WW II. During his time there he teaches this hymn to comfort those with whom he rubs shoulders in the camp. When all else seems hopeless and uncontrollable...this is a glimmer of hope in the spirit of eternal things. He eventually dies in the camp, a victim of a brain tumor...something very uncontrollable, even for his captors.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake

To guide the future, as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know

His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,

And all is darkened in the vale of tears,

Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay

From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on

When we shall be forever with the Lord.

When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past

All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise

On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;

Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,

So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.

Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine

Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

Katharina A. von Schlegel (1752)

"Thy hope thy confidence let nothing shake"

...that is my motto this Spring as we rejoice in it's newness and the hope of a brighter tomorrow, through Him who has traveled this road for us all before.

The Perverbial "Bungee Cord"

Once again, we have experienced the opportunity to become more hopeful about Rick's treatments, the recent drug addition appeared to have drastically reduced the tumor marker...but after the second treatment, it went back up half way (so yes I am happy it isn't as high as it was, but I am left wondering if the first test was an error or just what...)

So here we are, going through some terrifically yucky side-effects from the new drug and hoping against hope that it works to some degree. We always question in the back of our minds...what would things be like if we didn't have the chemo on board...worse?? same without the side effects?? or perish the thought, better?? So many questions and not as many answers. Actually treatment is trial and error...trying everything that is supposed to work and hoping like crazy that it does. At the beginning of the week, just prior to therapy, nausea kicked in again w/some vomiting...all that doesn't make sense in the order of things...should be decreased right before treatment...but the Dr. said that "maybe that gall bladder IS causing some nausea"...ya think? We keep on plugging away and hope we are going in the right direction with everything!

Everyone has been so kind, so concerned and wanting so badly to do something to help. Honestly I don't know just what that is, but I do appreciate the offers of prayers..because honestly, faith and hope are what we have that we can be sure of. After listening to the first two sessions of conference...there are some things I need to get straightened around with "exactness" .... I am certainly not perfect and need to improve myself a lot more....the other words that sunk in with great power were "endure it well..." I keep working on that!

I love my family, and I am certainly glad that we are bound together by something greater than that bungee cord...there is only progression in store for us all...hopefully we don't fall back too much in that much more important goal of attaining eternal life..love to all.

Sun on my face...

There is something about Spring and newness and sun on my face and warmth in the air that has improved my spirits these last few days. I love looking out of my window at work to see the sun, and then when I am going between buildings...I have a chance to feel it. I love going home when it is still light and enjoying a quick walk to the corner w/Rick.

Spring is something that I have looked forward to with great anticipation...I have always loved it, but as with many things these days...now I love it more. It is crucial to me to see something improve. This winter has seemed so dirty and dark and as the snow has melted, there has been tremendous dirt piles left behind. Cam did me the favor of sweeping out the gutters in front and cleaning up the yard...it made me feel better immediately.

Spring should also bring about new goals and a way to accomplish them with renewed efforts. I am generating a list...first of which is to enjoy something every day. Nature never seems to leave me without something to enjoy...today it was the tremendously green water in the lake, freshly turned earth and Mom's daffodils, crocuses, tulips and hyacinths still working hard to provide some brightness to her yard, even though she is not here to enjoy it. I am sure she is experiencing the brightness of the sun on her face in another place and sending the sun my way!

Happy Spring, I hope you experience some re-birth and happiness in it.

Time...as it goes

It seems redundant to say once again, where does the time go? I have a new appreciation for time, but it still seems to slip through my fingers without a hitch. Life is interesting, we spend it anticipating and waiting for the "events" ....then as we progress through our lives...even though we still anticipate, there is more of an appreciation of the "now events" I can't say that I don't wish for some days to be done, but then when I realize that whatever stressors the day has brought, I can't get the day back, I can't change things that have occurred. So, I sleep on it and try to wake up to a clean slate and a new opportunity to make a difference in some way.

The other thing that occurs to me is that there is more to life than slogging through the days. All of our days are precious at this point in our lives. I struggle to make them memorable, more than a list of to-do's. This is the point at which I wish I was more of an entertainer, socializer...we are too quiet and lost in our worries..we need to enjoy our days...OK a new resolve...find one thing to celebrate each day!

I do spend a part of each day being grateful...it is not hard to find a long list of people and experiences that help me remember who is in charge, who loves us and who is guiding us through the rapids. I have to remember that when I have done all I can do, the rest is made up by He who knows and loves. Knowing that is easy, being sure to live as an example of one who knows is more difficult.

As we awake to a new day, full of anticipation to have all of our family here together once again, I celebrate the softness and pleasure that a certain 4 year old will bring to the faces of a care-worn group of adults...we will enjoy every minute of time together, because, this is time we will not get back.

30 years of Birthday's

30 years ago, about this time...I was really beginning to want Rick to show an interest in me...we had spent lots of time together, mostly in groups or at least a threesome of Rick, Tom and myself. Now things were taking a turn, but as my usual doubting self...I wasn't sure he even really cared about me in any long-term way. Then there was a turning point....late on Valentine's Day of 1979, Rick came to my house and gave me a birthday card, you know, one of those sappy types that you can buy at the grocery store. (My Birthday is in August) He had crossed out the word "Birthday" and written in "Valentine's" and signed his name...I don't remember the content, just the experience and to know that he was caring enough to give me a birthday-valentine. Now I know him well enough to realize that was a HUGE step for Rick and an initial committment of sorts....

30 years later, I still love his quirky little ways...he has improved in his gift selection and accolades at Valentine's, but that first Valentine's will forever be etched in my memory as the day when I knew he liked me....I won't admit how long it was before we were officially engaged!

Happy Birthday Everyone!

One liners from a 4 year old...

Jake is an incredible child....and has an interesting thought process. That said, I'll give an example. Last night as Rick was talking to Jake on the phone, he asked him how his pre-school was that day, there was a pause and Jake responded: "I dropped out!" Rick's thinking, wow a pre-school drop out. Then Jake proceeded to say that there were not any lights....so he didn't go to pre-school. Then Jakie said some other stuff that was said so quickly that he couldn't be understood. So when Rick(y) got back on the phone it turns out they had had wind storms that sported winds up to 92 miles per hour. There were power outages and pre-school was canceled for the day..thus Jake's "drop-out" status. We think that he will be back in pre-school by next Tuesday...whew!

What I loved most about that story is watching Grandpa's face soften and be so happy and the cares of the world melt away when he talks about Jakie! Thank Heaven for little boys......

Today is the beginning of a new month and almost a month has gone by since my last post....time keeps going no matter how much we want it to slow down and sometimes even to stop for a breather. We have passed throught the first month of a new year and hopefully have been refined a little more. Last week in RS, we were taught that through the refiner's fire, we may become personally sanctified. In the course of many years and many lessons that have referred to personal refinemen through trials and tests, I had not thought of that next step of sanctification.

We have experienced a few more bumps in the road with Rick's hospitalization on December 29 with a generalized infection. Turns out it was a septic shock secondary to Gall Bladder disease. Nothing to do with Cancer, but complicated by it. Once the gall bladded was identified as the culprit, there were decisions to make. Due to recent chemo, history of blood clots, extensive scarring from previous surgery...he did not have the option of surgery to remove the offensive organ....so with the current technology, they were able to drain the gall bladder and push stones through the common bile duct and give him some relief. On January 6th, he was able to come home.

We have seen specialists, generalists, and have tried hard to coordinate all things that occur. Then, last week, the news came that the first round of chemo drugs were only effective for a few weeks, and that the cancer has continued to spread. As Rick(y) put it, it was almost harder to bear that news than the original diagnosis. Then in the process of trying to change over to a different drug regimen, the implanted IV line (port) has decided (yes it does have a mind of its own) to become touchy. So now the process to see if it is in fact working correctly. We pray that it will not need to be replaced, and that we can get on with the new chemo.